Death+and+Dying+by+Lindsay+Williams+and+Lisa+Mangels

Death and Dying The concept of death is difficult for most adults to approach with regards to children. Regardless of the reluctance of the adults, even very young children notice the changes in the behaviors of those around them and the changes in their lives. Many children may not understand the nature of death and the particulars of what happens to a person who has died, but they do pick up on the cues that the adults around them are giving and many times they receive the message that this is a topic for adults and it is off limits for them to talk about. This message is not only confusing for children who are concerned about the behaviors and changes in the adults around them but it is also harmful in that children have just as much need to talk about their loss and grief as adults.
 * // Introduction //**

With regards to children’s literature, death has been a taboo subject until somewhat recently. One of the first books written specifically for children on the subject was //The Dead Bird// by Margaret Wise Brown in 1958. The book touches on some very important aspects of the grieving process; the idea that all things die, the sadness of death, the funeral or burial process, eulogy for the deceased, memorials and then moving past the grief. //The Dead Bird// was ground breaking on a topic that was for the most part ignored. Margaret Wise Brown paved the way for other authors to delve deeper into the subject of death and grief. These days we have thousands of books that deal with all aspects of death and the grieving process. Overall, the social attitude was to assume that children did not understand the concept of death or were unaffected because they often did not respond in the same manner as an adult, which was reflected in the lack of literature dealing with the topic. Children were given over simplified explanations of death like “Grandpa is sleeping,” or “It was God’s will,” which did little more than create a fear of falling asleep or that God would arbitrarily decide to take them. Over the last few decades the tides have changed and we have seen a complete turn around in the quantity and quality of grief-related books for children. People finally came to understand that children need the truth on their level and need to be involved in the process of understanding death and grief.
 * // Social Attitudes //**

In the 1970’s the concept of bibliotherapy was given a name and made a popular form of helping children deal with grief. By this time there was a large selection of books about the topic for caregivers and therapists to choose from. Unfortunately, even with the change in availability of children’s books on the topic, when caregivers are faced with a tragic loss, they don’t always know that these resources are available to help children deal with the loss. Often times they are so consumed with their own grief that they don’t recognize that the children need to talk, ask questions, grieve and understand what is happening. Teachers, counselors and media specialists need to be trained and prepared to recognize that they maybe the only outlet that a child has for expressing and understanding their grief. September 11, 2011 taught us that tragedy can strike in a moment’s notice. Children across the entire country were affected by the attacks. The events that unfolded on live TV that day shook the entire nation, including our children. Even if a child was not directly affected by the loss of a family member, the fear that an attack could happen anywhere was present, as was the fear that the active duty parent may be called to respond. Children were faced with grieving, along with the entire nation, for thousands of people who were lost in one tragic unexplainable moment. When Lisa’s own son was killed, it affected the entire community. School had just let out for the summer and the resources to help the other children deal with his death were not readily available. Lisa knew that she was not in any position to help her own children deal with the loss of their brother other than to hold them, cry with them and explain the best that she could what had happened. Her niece started a memorial page on Facebook that, three years after his death, students and adults still write to him to express their grief at his loss. The children still express their shock, disbelief and sadness that he is gone from their lives. This may be one of the only avenues that the children have to discuss their feelings about death. The memorial page for her son is one of the reasons that she chose this topic, and she has come to understand how important it is that we do not forget the children when dealing with death and grief.

The last half of a century has given us a vast array of books that deal with the nature of death or the actual physical process of death and dying. Many books like //The Fall of Freddie the Leaf// by Leo Buscalgia use nature to explain the life cycle or process of living and dying, and this particular book is considered a classic children’s book for dealing with the nature of death. In //The Dragonfly Door// by John Adams, children are gently introduced to the idea of the cycle of life and death when Nym is forced to struggle with the loss of her close friend Lea when she disappears unexpectedly one day. This is a book of loss and change, offering the opportunity for parents to discuss their own feelings about what happens after death. Lea appears to Nym as a dragonfly and explains that she has moved on to another part of her life. Death and what happens after death are very personal to each individual family and choosing books that open the door to discussion rather than providing opinions on the topic is important when making selections for the library. This is the case with //I Miss You: A First Look at Death,// by Pat Thomas, which does not take a specific stance on afterlife or religious aspects of death. There are numerous non-fiction books on the nature of death and grief that explain in simple language that the body stops working and that a person can no longer hear, feel, or think. They cover all aspects of what happens after a person dies; the funeral, cremation, memorials, reaction of friends and family and feelings that may occur. In the book //Why Do People Die?// by Cynthia MacGregor, the comparison of a persons body wearing out like an old sneaker or a toy provides a good reference for children to grasp the concept. She explains that sometimes, like a favorite toy, a person’s body can be damaged so badly that they cannot be fixed. The cartoon-like pictures would most certainly appeal to younger children; however some of the illustrations are in bad taste considering the topic that they are dealing with. One illustration shows a pet fish floating upside down in his tank with an X through his eye signifying his death while another depicts a man who is lying in bed with his arm hanging off of the bed and a spilled drink on the floor. While the analogies are nice, the morbid illustrations take away from their message. One of the key factors in choosing books that deal with the topic of death is to choose books whose illustrations reflect the mood of the text.
 * // Nature of Death //**

Most of the recommended booklists used by counselors and grief groups have focused on fiction books; experiencing the topic in the abstract through a fictional character and their struggles seems to make children more comfortable with discussing their feelings and thoughts about their own experience. Due to the fact that younger children have a very literal, concrete interpretation of things, we must be sure to explain the nature of death in terms that the child understands and be willing to answer the numerous questions with honest answers. Karen Carney shares a few instances where children misunderstood what an adult was saying related to death or the funeral process in her article, “ Barklay and Eve: The Role of Activity Books For Bereaved Children” (2003). In one instance a child expresses her excitement at going to the funeral because she has heard a family member say that “polar bears” (pallbearers) will carry the casket. In another instance, a child is traumatized when family members explain that with cremation the body will be burned and placed in a jar. The child did not understand that with death, the deceased would not be able to feel anything and would not wake up again (310). You can imagine how the thought of cremation could cause nightmares for a small child without the proper explanation of the nature of death.

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, children may react to death and grief in some of the following ways:
 * // Confronting and Dealing With Death //**
 * Showing an apparent lack of emotion, which helps the child distance them selves from the immediate pain.
 * Reverting to behaviors that are immature for their age. They may need to be held more often, sleep with a parent, have a fear of being separated from the care giver and show difficulty staying focused or completing tasks that were once easy for them.
 * Having emotional outbursts that reflect their feelings of helplessness and confusion.
 * Repeatedly asking questions, often because the information that is given is hard to accept and the ideas and emotions confusing (2003, p. 1).

Below are some of the suggestions that were offered by the National Association of School Psychologists for helping children deal with grief:
 * **// Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death //**// : // Give the child information at the level that he/she can understand. Allow the child to guide adults as to the need for more information or clarification of the information presented. Loss and death are both part of the cycle of life that children need to understand.
 * **// Don’t lie or tell half-truths to children about the tragic event: //** Children are often bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and will wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help the child through the healing process or help develop effective coping strategies for life’s future tragedies or losses.
 * **// Grieving is a process, not an event //** : Parents and schools need to allow adequate time for each child to grieve in the manner that works for that deal with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions (2003, pp. 1-2).

Using children’s literature is a logical method for implementing all of the suggestions above. Many times the first experience that children will have with death is the loss of a pet. Pet deaths usually occur in one of three ways; old age or illness associated with age, euthanasia or putting an animal down to end suffering, and sudden accidental death. In the book Julia Gillian (and the Dream of the Dog) by A. McGee, Julia is helped through the devastating loss of her beloved St. Bernard, Bigfoot by all of her friends and family. Julia Gillian learns that grieving is okay and that there is no limit on how long we will be sad. With the help of her neighbor, Julia Gillian learns that moving on does not mean forgetting, as well as the important lesson, pointed out by a review in //School Library Journal// (2010, August), which says, “Julia soon learns that some things can’t be controlled, no matter how hard you try.”Julia Gillian’s neighbor, a college student named Enzo, explains to Julia Gillian that the hardest part of being human is that we love things that are mortal and destined to die eventually, but the love that we have for those things doesn't die. In a bit of a contrast, Eric Rohmann’s //Bone Dog// treats the subject in a more light-hearted manner, showing a dog named Ella’s spirit returning on Halloween night to fulfill a promise to her master that she will always be there when he needs him, even after death. As Wendy Lukehart says in a //School Library Journal// review of //Bone Dog//, “Sad, spooky, and comforting by turns, this deceptively simple approach to the loss of a pet quickens and gladdens the heart” (2011, July). While //Julia Gillian (and the Dream of the Dog)// and //Bone Dog// deal with the expected deaths of a child’s pet, //Harry and Hopper// discusses the emotions a child feels when a pet dies suddenly, especially a tendency to refuse to accept the truth. However, how he comes to terms with his grief is touching and will resonate with children as well as adults who have experienced such a loss (2011, Owen). When selecting books that deal with the death of a pet, some important factors to consider are: Does the book emphasize the importance of the relationship between a child and a pet? Also, does it illustrate the importance of experiencing and expressing grief?

The book Edward’s Eyes by Patricia MacLauchlan is an example of how parents can tell the truth to children even when the truth is difficult to understand or accept. When tragedy strikes, Edward’s parents tell his siblings plainly that Edward has had an accident that it is no one’s fault, but he has died and they have decided to donate his organs, including his beautiful blue eyes. At first his siblings are shocked and angry that someone else will have a part of their very special brother but the realization that Edward’s gift will help another young man to see in order to play Edward’s favorite game, baseball, helps them come to terms with the decision as one of love and of ensuring that a part of Edward will live on. This was one of the only books that found that dealt with the topic of organ donation, and it was handled beautifully. The book handles the topic in simple language, but “includes light touches of humor and weaves a spell that draws readers into an intimate family circle in which hope prevails and deep love promises to mitigate loss” (Orlando, 2007). One way to assist bereaved children is to have them work through their grief, at their own pace, using an activity book designed for that purpose. According to Carney, activity books provide three basic functions:
 * 1) Providing an age appropriate explanation of death.
 * 2) The opportunity to think about and express the feelings associated with a significant loss.
 * 3) Finding ways to commemorate or honor the person who has died (Carney, p. 314).

Lisa purchased the book When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief by Marge Heegaard, to use with her youngest son, Aydan. This activity book takes the child through 32 pages of thought provoking text where the he or she is asked to draw or write in response to the questions/statements that are proposed. Activities revolve around exploring feelings that may be associated with loss such as guilt, anger, frustration, helplessness and fear. Heegaard states that “ Creating art is an appropriate outlet for expressing fears of death and feelings of grief that children are neither able to understand nor express effectively in any other way. Children can draw death as the cavemen did by drawing a feared animal or a fearful event to defeat it, thus overcoming their fears. Inappropriate impulses can be channeled into positive experiences” (Carney, p. 313). This particular activity book not only dealt with the nature of death and the emotions that Lisa’s son was feeling, but it also allowed him to discuss how his brother was killed, where he thinks his brother is now and his favorite memory of his brother. There are also a few pages where Lisa’s son was able to talk/draw about what he likes about himself and what he is good at. This was particularly important to because Lisa’s youngest son Aydan worshipped his brother Keegan. After Keegan’s death and the attention Keegan’s accomplishments received, Aydan tried emulate everything about Keegan, including making his favorite color purple, just like his brother. This worried Lisa for a time because she did not want Aydan to feel that he was living in the shadow of his brother who was being portrayed as a perfect child. Heegard has also produced several other books that deal with death and dying, including one on how to cope with the loss of a pet and one for dealing with those who have serious illnesses.

Helping children deal with death, how to grieve, and how to move on from an important loss can be very challenging for adults; however, there is a wealth of useful resources covering all major aspects of the topic. From fiction books to activity books to help guides, adults should not hesitate to seek outside resources.
 * // Conclusion //**

Adams, J. (2007). //The dragonfly door.// Maple Plain, MN: Feather Rock Books.
 * // References //**

Buscalgia, L. (1982). //The fall of Freddie the leaf//. New York, NY: Rinehart and Winston.

Carney, K. L. (2003). Barklay and Eve: The role of activity books for bereaved children. //Omega: Journal Of Death & Dying//, 48(4), 307-319.

Heegaard, M. (1996). //When someone very special dies: Children can learn to cope with grief.// Chapmanville, WV: Woodland Press.

Lukehart, W. (2011, July 11). Review of //Bone Dog//. //School Library Journal//. Retrieved from http://www.schoolibraryjournal.com

MacGregor, C. (1999). //Why do people die?// New York, NY: Citadel Press.

MacLachlan, P. (2007). //Edward’s eyes//. New York, NY: Aladdin Paperbacks.

McGhee, A. (2010). //Julia Gillian (and the dream of the dog)//. New York, NY: Scholastic.

National Association of School Psychologists. (2003). Helping children cope with loss, death, and grief: Tips for teachers and parents. Retrieved from http://www.nasponline.org

Orlando, M. (2007, October 1). Review of //Edward’s Eyes//. //School Library Journal.// Retrieved from http://www.titlewave.com

Owen, M. (2011, April 6). Review of //Harry and Hopper. School Library Journal//. Retrieved from http://www.schoollibraryjournal.com

Persson, L. (2010, August 1). Review of //Julia Gillian and the dream of the dog//. //School Library Journal//. Retrieved from http://www.titlewave.com

Rohmann, E. (2011). //Bone dog//. New York, NY: Roaring Brook Press.

Wild, M. (2009). //Harry and Hopper//. New York, NY: Jewel and Friends Books.

Wise Brown, M. (1995). //The dead bird//. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

Annotated Bibliography 1. Adams, J. (2007). //The dragonfly door.// Maple Plain, MN: Feather Rock Books.

Nym is a water nymph whose best friend, Lea, does not return home one day. After falling asleep after an exhausting search, Nym sees Lea in a dream where she shows her the new, beautiful world in which she lives (which one can assume is heaven) and has become a dragonfly while explaining to Nym that she will see Lea again when she dies herself. This sweet book teaches young children about heaven and life after death. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

2. Bley, A. (2007). //And what comes after a thousand?// San Diego, CA: Kane/Miller.

Lisa is a young girl who loves her grandfather, Otto, very much. The book describes all the fun activities they complete together, from counting stars to shooting slingshots. However, Otto gets sick and is honest with Lisa by telling her that he is going to die. Lisa struggles with her emotions after Otto’s death, but is able to work through her grief with the help of her friend, Olga, who cared for Otto before his death. This book was obtained through Campbellsville Elementary School library.

3. Buscalgia, L. (1982). //The fall of Freddie the leaf//. New York, NY: Rinehart and Winston.

Freddie is a leaf on a Maple tree whose best friend, Daniel, explains a great deal about life and death to him. Through the spring and summer, Freddie enjoys watching the people who give him a purpose—a concept Daniel explains to him. However, Daniel also explains the concept of death to Freddie and shows that death is a part of their life cycle and will happen one day. The book uses the leaves as metaphors for the different seasons of life that people go through, including death, and is considered a classic book on the subject for children. This book was obtained through the Russell County Public Library.

4. Heegaard, M. (1996). //When someone very special dies: Children can learn to cope with grief.// Chapmanville, WV: Woodland Press.

This is an activity book to help young children work through their feelings after the death of someone close to them. The book provides children with activities that help them understand a variety of emotions, including anger, guilt, and sadness. The book also provides children with activities that center on their own interests and things they are good at, which can help them see their importance as well. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

5. Hobbs, V. (2005). //Defiance//. New York, NY: Francis Foster Books.

Toby is an eleven-year-old boy with cancer whose parents battle because his father feels he should be allowed to live and his mother is terrified of what could happen to him. While living on the lake for the summer, Toby begins helping out an elderly woman named Pearl, a famous poet who stopped writing when her husband was killed. When Toby’s cancer comes back and he vows not to receive treatment, Pearl (through the death of her beloved cow) teaches him it isn’t his time to go yet. This book was obtained through Campbellsville Middle School media center.

6. MacGregor, C. (1999). //Why do people die?// New York, NY: Citadel Press.

The idea that everything eventually wears out is how death is approached in this book. Analogies to everyday items such as sneakers and toys are made to help children understand that people, like everything else in the world, do not last forever. The book then explains different concepts, such as funerals and the emotions one feels after the death of a loved one. However, the book also depicts sensitive material through sometimes inappropriate pictures, showing the change that has taken place in how death is handled in illustrations. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble Marketplace.

7. MacLachlan, P. (2007). //Edward’s eyes//. New York, NY: Aladdin Paperbacks.

// Edward’s Eyes // is told through the point of view of Edward’s older brother, Jake, who brings Edward (and the entire family) to life and shows exactly how special Edward is to him. Edward is a talented baseball player whose unique, gold-flecked blue eyes are donated to another talented young baseball player when he dies in a bicycle accident, teaching about how to overcome grief while showing that the ones we love leave unexpected gifts behind. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

8. McGhee, A. (2010). //Julia Gillian (and the dream of the dog)//. New York, NY: Scholastic.

Julia Gillian has just started the sixth grade, and as a “Sixlet,” she faces a lot of new challenges, including a terminal diagnosis for her best friend, eleven-year-old Saint Bernard, Bigfoot. She tries to keep Bigfoot alive through “controlling of variables,” but when Bigfoot dies, Julia Gillian is devastated; however, she is able to get through the hard time with the help of everyone around her.

This book was obtained through the Campbellsville Elementary School library.

9. Moundlic, C. (2011). //The scar//. Somerville, MA: Candlewick Press.

Moundlic approaches the extremely tough subject of a young boy’s death through his point of view, showing the emotions that young children feel when they lose someone so close to them. The little boy goes through a wide array of emotions as a result of his mother’s death and tries to hang on to her memory by opening a wound which she comforted him over. As the wound heals, his grandmother helps teach him that his mother’s memory will last forever, just like a scar. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

10. Raschka, C. (2007). //The purple balloon//. New York, NY: Wade Books.

This heartfelt book is obviously intended for younger elementary aged children and explains, in simple language, how to deal with dying and the deaths of both young and old people. Raschka obviously intended for this book to be a comfort to young children who have lost someone they loved as well as young children who are facing terminal illnesses. Especially effective is his inclusion of lists of people who are available to help and tips for young children who know someone terminally ill. This book was obtained through the Campbellsville Elementary School media center.

11. Rohmann, E. (2011). //Bone dog//. New York, NY: Roaring Brook Press.

Rohmann’s book approaches death in a more light-hearted way than many children’s books. Gus’s best friend is his dog, Ella, and he is devastated when she dies. However, before her passing, Ella had promised Gus that she would always be there for him, even after she dies. When Gus runs into trouble on Halloween night, Ella appears to him and saves him, proving that her spirit will always be with him. This book was obtained through the Russell County Public Library.

12. Schwiebert, P. (2006). //Tear soup: A recipe for healing after loss//. Portland, OR: Grief Watch.

This book takes an original approach to dealing with death and dying by comparing it to the process of making soup. The book begins by telling the story of Grandy, who has lost her husband and decides to make tear soup in order to help her grieve. The book provides tips for different “cooks,” such as a section on “If a child is the cook,” which provides tips for how to help children grieve. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

13. Shriver, M. (2007). //What’s heaven?// New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.

// What’s Heaven? // begins with a young girl named Kate learning from her mother what heaven is after her great-grandmother passes away. Kate asks her mother questions about heaven, what it is like, and why her great-grandmother has gone there. The book is written by Maria Shriver, who said the book was inspired by the questions her daughter, Katherine, had when her great-grandmother Rose passed away in an effort to help other children understand the concept of heaven. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

14. Spinelli, J. (2007). //Eggs//. New York, NY: Little, Brown, and Company.

// Eggs // tells the story of two children—David, who is nine-years-old and Primrose, who is thirteen-years-old. David has struggled deeply with his mother’s death and has pushed everyone who cares about him away, especially his grandmother who has been charged with raising him. Through his friendship with Primrose, he learns that there are others in his life who love him and care about him as his mother did and that allowing them to do so does not mean his mother has been replaced. This book was obtained through the Campbellsville Elementary School media center.

15. Thomas, P. (2001). //I miss you: A first look at death//. Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series.

Thomas explains the different emotions and thoughts that children might have after losing someone they love, such as regrets for things they should have or should have not done. This book also addressed the idea of what happens after death by explaining that we don’t know for sure, but different religions and cultures have different ideas; therefore, the book explains death without any religious overtones, providing children with an unbiased, honest look at death. This book was obtained through Barnes and Noble in Lexington, Kentucky.

16. Weigelt, U. (2003). //Bear’s last journey//. New York, NY: North-South Books.

When the animals in the forest begin to hear news that their great leader, Bear, is sick, they rush to find out from him themselves. He confirms that he is sick and going to die soon, and all the animals deal with the news differently. The fox takes the news the hardest, but Bear helps him understand that he will be okay without him while explaining what will happen to him when he dies. He dies the next day, and Fox has a hard time until he realizes that the things Bear left behind help him grieve. This book was obtained through the Russell County Public Library.

17. Wild, M. (2009). //Harry and Hopper//. New York, NY: Jewel and Friends Books.

Harry’s best friend is the black and white dog named Hopper that he and his father adopted, and they do everything together. When Hopper is killed in a sudden accident, Harry refuses to accept the truth, not telling anyone about Hopper’s death and refusing to do any of the things that would prove Hopper is gone. He begins seeing Hopper, and Hopper helps him understand that he really is gone physically, but he will always be with him. This book was obtained through Amazon (personal home collection).

18. Wiles, D. (2005). //Each little bird that sings//. Orlando, FL: Harcourt.

This sweet book is told through the point of view of Comfort Snowberger, whose family owns, operates, and lives in the town’s funeral home. When she loses two close members of the family within months, her best friend begins treating her like an outcast, and she nearly dies in a flood which forces her to choose between saving her annoying cousin and her beloved dog, she gains a new understanding on death, its realities, and the importance of grieving. This book was obtained through the Campbellsville Elementary School library.

19. Wise Brown, M. (1995). //Dead bird//. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

This book, originally published in 1958, was one of the first books published specifically for children to deal with the idea of death. It tells the story of children who find a dead bird in the woods and bury it. It discussed the idea that all things die, death is sad, and shows what the funeral process is like through the burial of the dead bird. The children grieve for the bird and then move on, showing that moving past the grief is an important step in the entire grieving process. This book was obtained through the Campbellsville Elementary School library.

20. Yolen, J. (2011). //The day Tiger Rose said goodbye//. New York, NY: Random House.

This beautifully illustrated book describes the life of Tiger Rose, who lives in the city with a pleasant family who obviously loves her very much. It also follows as Tiger Rose says goodbye to all her friends before lying in her favorite spot to die. The subject of death in this book is approached as peaceful and natural, and a natural process for pets once they reach old age. This book was obtained through the Russell County Public Library.